For J

You are the lucky one.  You have known what it means to be different.  You have known what it means to be a stranger – even among family.  You don’t have the luxury of staying in your comfort zone.  Because of who you are, you live in a place beyond the boundaries of the familiar.  You are like the ugly duckling – born into a family that is not like you – born into a family that might not ever fully understand you.

You are the lucky one.  Because of who you are, your mind has been stretched.  Your heart is more open.  Since you have been “different,” “strange,” “abnormal,” “other,” you have a knowing and a compassion that many others lack.  Since you have moved beyond your comfort zone, and have allowed your heart to grow, you feel at home where others feel afraid.   

They are the unlucky ones.  They live in fear – fear of the unknown, fear of difference, fear of the foreign and alien.  This is a fear that they are often unaware of because they surround themselves with the familiar, the comfortable – and with others who are just like them.  What they really fear is a lack of boundaries.  Their boundaries define who they are.  They set them apart from the stranger.  They determine who is in and who is out.  They feel secure behind their protective walls.

You are the lucky one.  You can’t live where they live.  Once you know the freedom that lies beyond the walls of fear, you can’t go back.  Of course you can visit there.  You visit there because you love them.  You have known the fear they know.  You can remember what it was like when you first ventured out – beyond the known and familiar.  Remembering this you have compassion for them.

They are the lucky ones!  They are so lucky to have you in their lives.  They have someone who loves them with a love that is boundless.  They have someone who cares deeply – so deeply that it sometimes hurts.  They need you in their lives.  They need someone who can demonstrate a boundariless love.  They need someone who has gone beyond the familiar and comfortable – to show them that life can be so much more rich and beautiful.

So, you visit them.  You play with them.  You converse with them.  You show them who you are.  You show them that what is different is really not so different.  You show them that the strange is not that strange.  You show them that there really is no “other.” 

And, you pray… 

You pray for the day when they too will know the freedom, the love, the joy, that comes from a full embrace of life in all its beauty and diversity.  You pray that they too will experience life beyond labels, beyond us and them, beyond all separation.  And, you give thanks to God for the life that has allowed you to know true love – a life that is so blessed – a life abundant!  Thanks be to God!

Back to the Beginning, Part 3

"What is the Word of God?  ‘My Son is pure and holy as Myself.’  And thus did God become the Father of the Son He loves, for thus was he created” (W-276.1.1-3).  

“God keeps His promises; His Son keeps his.  In his creation did his Father say, ‘You are beloved of Me and I of you forever.  Be you perfect as Myself, for you can never be apart from Me.’  His Son remembers not that he replied ‘I will,’ though in that promise he was born” (T-28.VI.6.3-6).

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In this world we hear many voices.  We hear voices from the past, repeating in our heads, telling us that we are not good enough, that we can’t possibly change, that we are just like our dead-beat dad, that we are fat, that we are a sissy, etc.  We hear the voices of advertisers telling us that we will get a mate if we wear a certain cologne or perfume, that we need to drive a certain type of car if we expect to be a success, that we need to have the latest gadget if we want to be “plugged in,” etc.  We hear the voices of politicians and the media.  We hear the voices of our religious leaders.  All of the voices that we hear resound and echo in our minds – telling us who we are and who we should be.

           

All of these many voices are actually one voice – the voice of the ego.  This is the voice of separation.  It is a voice of despair at one extreme and grandiosity at the other.  When we compare our sense of self with other selves, we might think that they are better off than us; they are more successful; they seem to be happier.  This makes us feel despair.  We also might think that we are better off than them; we see ourselves as more successful and comparatively happier.  This leads to feelings of grandiosity.  Both feelings – despair or grandiosity – lead to a sense of separation.

           

In reality, there is not much difference between grandiosity and despair.  As A Course in Miracles says in the section called “Grandeur Versus Grandiosity”:

“Grandiosity is always a cover for despair.  It is without hope because it is not real.  It is an attempt to counteract your littleness, based on the belief that the littleness is real.  Without this belief grandiosity is meaningless, and you could not possibly want it” (T-9.VIII.2.1-4).

It is because of our belief in our “littleness” and the despair that comes along with that belief that we then come up with grandiosity as an attempt to “counteract” it.  If we did not have this belief in littleness there would be no need for grandiosity.  The Course’s remedy for both littleness and grandiosity is “grandeur.”

“Grandeur is of God, and only of Him.  Therefore it is in you” (T-9.VIII.1.1-2).  We are God’s creation.  We have been imbued with the very grandeur of God.  The voice of the ego would have us forget this and believe in our littleness.  Because the belief in littleness is hard to swallow we cover it up with a belief in our grandiosity.  Both of these beliefs are a distortion of our true nature.  The truth is that we are grand.

“If you are willing to look upon your grandeur you cannot despair, and therefore you cannot want the ego.  Your grandeur is God's answer to the ego, because it is true.  Littleness and grandeur cannot coexist, nor is it possible for them to alternate.  Littleness and grandiosity can and must alternate, since both are untrue and are therefore on the same level” (T-9.VIII.6.2-5).

We will continue to alternate between littleness and grandiosity as long as we believe in them.  But, once we look upon our grandeur and accept it as the truth, the truth will overcome the lies of the ego.  We will no longer believe in littleness or grandiosity.  And, it is the ending of these beliefs that will allow us to see our essential oneness and equality with all others.  We are all equal in our grandeur.  We are all creations of God and are all imbued with His grandeur.  There are no exceptions.  The only difference is in our acceptance or rejection of this one truth.

Each and every one of us is the beloved of God.  When Jesus emerged from the water after his baptism by John, he heard the voice of God say, “You are my beloved Son.  With you I am well pleased.”  It is this that the Course calls “the Word of God.”  The two quotes at the beginning of this post also give us this “Word.”  I encourage you to contemplate the following from Lesson 106 of the Workbook of the Course for more on God’s Word.  The purpose of this lesson is to quiet the ego in you so that you can hear God’s Voice.  When you finish I encourage you to journal about the Word that you heard.

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Lesson 106:

Let me be still and listen to the truth.

If you will lay aside the ego's voice, however loudly it may seem to call; if you will not accept its petty gifts that give you nothing that you really want; if you will listen with an open mind, that has not told you what salvation is; then you will hear the mighty Voice of truth, quiet in power, strong in stillness, and completely certain in Its messages.

Listen, and hear your Father speak to you through His appointed Voice [the Holy Spirit], which silences the thunder of the meaningless, and shows the way to peace to those who cannot see.  Be still today and listen to the truth.  Be not deceived by voices of the dead, which tell you they have found the source of life and offer it to you for your belief.  Attend them not, but listen to the truth.

Be not afraid today to circumvent the voices of the world.  Walk lightly past their meaningless persuasion.  Hear them not.  Be still today and listen to the truth.  Go past all things which do not speak of Him Who holds your happiness within His Hand, held out to you in welcome and in love.  Hear only Him today, and do not wait to reach Him longer.  Hear one Voice today.

Today the promise of God's Word is kept.  Hear and be silent.  He would speak to you.  He comes with miracles a thousand times as happy and as wonderful as those you ever dreamed or wished for in your dreams.  His miracles are true.  They will not fade when dreaming ends.  They end the dream instead; and last forever, for they come from God to His dear Son, whose other name is you.  Prepare yourself for miracles today.  Today allow your Father's ancient pledge to you and all your brothers to be kept.

Back to the Beginning, Part 2

There are teachings within Buddhism and Christianity that speak of our inherent goodness.  They inform us that goodness is our very nature.  Therefore, in this view, any “evil” that we experience in ourselves is a distortion of our nature. 

           

Within the Buddhist teachings of Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche we come across the concept of “basic goodness.”  This is the notion that human beings are fundamentally good.  Within this philosophical framework, problems and short-comings are seen as temporary and superficial defilements that cover over one’s basic goodness.  Therefore, these problems and shortcomings do not change our nature.  They are “temporary and superficial.”

           

This is very different from the Christian concept of “original sin.”  Original sin refers to the general condition of sinfulness (and the absence of holiness) into which all humans are thought to be born.  It presents our origin as “sinful.”  Many Christians believe that the doctrine of original sin is fundamental to the Christian path.  However, the doctrine was actually first articulated by Bishop Irenaeus in the 2^nd century.  It was later expanded upon by Augustine and, after a long and bitter struggle between various church fathers, the general principles of Augustine's teaching were confirmed within Western Christianity by many councils, especially the Second Council of Orange in 529.  Original sin, according to Augustine, consists of the guilt of Adam which all human beings inherit.  As sinners, we are utterly depraved and lack the freedom to do good.  Therefore, we can only be saved from our sinful nature by accepting that Jesus died for our sins – that his blood sacrifice is what will wash us clean.

           

However, the doctrine of original sin is not the only view of our origins within the Christian tradition and is not even the most fundamental view.  It is interesting to note that the Jewish tradition (from which the story of Adam and Eve originated) has no concept of original sin.  It is a concept that occurs only many years after the death of Jesus (who died a Jew, by the way) and was developed by various men within the evolving Catholic church.  Another doctrine that we can also see clearly throughout the Judeo-Christian tradition has been articulated very well by Matthew Fox.  He uses the term “original blessing” to define the condition of our creation by God.

           

When we read the account of creation in Genesis we notice the repetition of a phrase that occurs throughout the whole account – “it was good.”  It was good!  Our origin, according to the Judeo-Christian tradition is goodness, not sin.  Matthew Fox calls it a “blessing.”  In a sermon given at his church in Oklahoma City, Dr. Robin Meyers (author of Saving Jesus from the Church) said,

“Matthew Fox asked the obvious question:  Are we born bad and stay that way?  Or are we born good and forget where we came from, where we are going, and to Whom we belong?  Original Blessing puts the responsibility of remembering and embracing our goodness upon us.  But the alternative keeps us both helpless and childish which is exactly what religion does for lots of people.” (http://www.mayflowerucc.org/PrintedSermons/012410Meyers.pdf)

To believe in the doctrine of original sin is to remain “helpless and childish” – our only hope is to submit to the authority of the church and the saving power of Jesus’ blood.  To believe in the doctrine of original blessing is to make us responsible for “remembering and embracing our goodness.”  We are the ones who have forgotten the truth – the truth of our goodness.  We have forgotten “where we came from” – the very heart of God.  We have forgotten “where we are going” – back home to the heart of God (where we actually never left).  We have forgotten “to Whom we belong” – to God and not ourselves.

Our origin is a blessing, not a sin.  Our basic nature is goodness, not evil.  How do you imagine accepting blessing and goodness as our starting point would influence your self-concept and your relationships with others?  How is this different from accepting sin and evil as your starting point?   

Back to the Beginning, Part 1

Your creation by God is the only Foundation that cannot be shaken, because the light is in it.   Your starting point is truth, and you must return to your Beginning.  Much has been seen since then, but nothing has really happened.  Your Self is still in peace, even though your mind is in conflict.  You have not yet gone back far enough, and that is why you become so fearful.  As you approach the Beginning, you feel the fear of the destruction of your thought system upon you as if it were the fear of death.  There is no death, but there is a belief in death (A Course in Miracles: T-3.VII.5.5-11).

“The disciples said to Jesus, ‘Tell us, how will our end come?’  Jesus said, ‘Have you found the beginning then, that you are looking for the end?  You see, the end will be where the beginning is.  Congratulations to the one who stands at the beginning; that one will know the end and will not taste death’” (The Gospel of Thomas, Logion 18; Scholar’s Version).

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I have worked with many clients who view themselves as flawed, broken, unworthy, even evil.  They understand that they have good in them, but they see this good as warring with an equally strong evil.  For them God is at war with and in opposition to the devil, and their life is seen as the battleground.  Their life experiences have taught them they are “bad.”  Add to that a Christian theology of “original sin” that has been preached to them since they were a small child and the picture becomes bleak indeed.

How we answer the question of whether or not we are inherently good or evil will be determined by how we view our origins.  It is a question of fundamentals.  We will need to focus on our beginning – the “starting point” of our creation – in order to understand our essential nature.

In the preceding paragraph you will notice several words that are in italics.  These words, in one way or another, refer to our beginning.  A Course in Miracles often refers to our “inheritance.”  This is what we were given at our creation.  As we look at ourselves and the lives that we have been living, it might seem as if we are the prodigal son who has squandered our inheritance.   The truth is, however, that we cannot lose what God has given us.  If we could lose it then it was never really given to begin with.  What God gives to us is eternal. 

As long as we focus on what we have made of ourselves and on the particular circumstances of our birth and upbringing in this world, we will see a picture of limitation, pain, suffering, short-comings and countless mistakes – in a word, “sin.”  It will seem as if our inheritance has been wasted (the word “prodigal” means “wasteful”).  And, from the point of view of this world – the world as seen through our limited and false perception – it does appear that we have lost our way. 

           

However, if we can return to our beginning – to our creation by God – what will our experience of ourselves be?  Will we see the same picture?  The question we can ask ourselves is, “Does the spirit that God created have evil in it?”   

We might engage in evil actions in this world (“bodies behaving badly”).  There is no denying that this occurs in the world of form.  The question, though, is: “At the level of spirit – what we truly are – do we have evil in us?  Can a totally good God create a spirit that has evil in it?  If so, wouldn’t that imply that there is evil in God?”  The logic of the Course might go something like this:  God is only good.  God created us (the spirit) in His image and likeness (as an extension of Himself).  Therefore, the spirit that we are is only good.

That which is wholly good creates only that which is also wholly good – that which is love creates only love – that which is eternal creates only that which is also eternal.  If we experience anything else (either in ourselves or in the world) it must be a distortion of what God created.  God, who is perfect, pure, and good cannot create anything that is imperfect, impure, and bad.

“Your creation by God is the only Foundation that cannot be shaken, because the light is in it.   Your starting point is truth, and you must return to your Beginning” (T-3.VII.5.5-6).  Our creation by God is our Foundation.  It is what is fundamental.  Everything is built on this one Foundation.  And, it is a Foundation that nothing can shake – nothing we have done, nothing anyone can say, nothing we might believe about ourselves, nothing at all.  This is our starting point, and it is the truth.  Instead of focusing on who we have become, we need to return to our Beginning – our starting point – our Foundation. 

“Much has been seen since then, but nothing has really happened.  Your Self is still in peace, even though your mind is in conflict” (T-3.VII.5.7-8).  Through false perception we have seen much since our creation.  But, thankfully, nothing has really happened.  The separation from God and the rest of creation is just a “tiny mad idea.”  It never really happened.  Even though we still might perceive falsely and even though our minds seem to be in conflict, the Self that God created is still in peace.  The only lesson that is repeated in the Workbook of A Course in Miracles reads, “I am as God created me.”  The Self that God created has not changed and never will. 

“You have not yet gone back far enough, and that is why you become so fearful.  As you approach the Beginning, you feel the fear of the destruction of your thought system upon you as if it were the fear of death.  There is no death, but there is a belief in death” (T-3.VII.5.9-11).  When we think of our beginnings, we typically think about our birth and our early childhood experiences.  The Course is telling us that we have not gone back far enough.  We are instructed to return to the Beginning.  As we approach the Beginning – our Foundation – we will feel fear.  What we are afraid of is the destruction of the ego’s thought system and all that we think we are.  Because we identify with the ego (the false self that we have made) we believe that its death means our death.  In reality there is no death.  There is only the giving up of what is false for what is true.    

We Make What We Defend Against

The following is an excerpt from the book on forgiveness that I am writing.  One of my favorite teachings from A Course in Miracles is on defensiveness vs. defenselessness.  I would love to hear your feedback on this...

Not only do our defenses reinforce our vulnerability, but they also make the very things that we are defending against.  In Lesson 170 of A Course in Miracles (“There is no cruelty in God and none in me”) we read, “You make what you defend against, and by your own defense against it is it real and inescapable.  Lay down your arms, and only then do you perceive it false.”  To understand better what this passage means, contemplate the following:

The defense that I would make against terrorism makes terrorism real and inescapable.

The defense that I would make against attack makes attack real and inescapable.

The defense that I would make against sickness makes sickness real and inescapable.

The defense that I would make against war makes war real and inescapable.

The defense that I would make against anger makes anger real and inescapable.

The defense that I would make against harm makes harm real and inescapable.

It is only when I lay down my arms – my defenses – that I perceive terrorism, attack, sickness, war, anger and harm as false.

To make this more personal for you, think about what you try to defend against.  What is it that you are trying to keep away, to avoid, to eradicate, to escape, to protect yourself from?  Place what you are trying to defend against in the blanks below:

The defense that I would make against  ___________  makes  ___________  real and inescapable.

It is only when I lay down my arms that I perceive  ___________  as false.

In what ways does your defense bring about the very thing that you are defending against?  How is your defense making it “real and inescapable”?  Can you see how laying down your arms – how laying down your defense – allows you to perceive what you defend against as false?  Without your defense against it, it is no longer real.  It loses its power over you and your life.

Uncompromising Love

(The following is an excerpt from the book I am writing on forgiveness called Loosening the Cords.  I welcome any feedback)

Although many people would say that A Course in Miracles is complicated and confusing, the fact is the Course has a very simple message.  However, most people who have attempted to read it would not agree with that assessment.  It seems to me that the Course is often seen as confusing because we ourselves are confused.  However, as we study the Course and apply its ideas (instead of our own confused ideas), we gradually “get it.”  From then on we can pick up the Course and read any part of it and understand its Truth.

After many years of studying the Course, Robert Perry recently came up with an idea that he believes is his best summary of the teachings of the Course to date.  It is just one sentence, and I do agree that it does capture the essence of the Course.  I don’t think I could say I agree with Mr. Perry without also having personally studied and applied the Course myself.

So, the idea that Robert Perry came up with that summarizes the message of the Course is…

“Nothing compromises love.”

The love that created us, the love that sustains us, the love that we live, move, and have our being in cannot be compromised by anyone or anything.  If it if could be compromised it would not be “divine.”  God’s perfect love is uncompromising. 

What does it mean that this love is uncompromising?  First, let’s look at the word “compromise.”  One definition of compromise, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is a “settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions.”  With this first definition a compromise is reached when two parties can agree on a decision in such a way that neither party is getting what they really want.  Both parties are sacrificing or losing a little of what they want in order to come to a decision they can both settle for. 

The second definition of compromise is “something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things.” With this second definition we have two different things blending together to create a third thing that contains some of the qualities of the original two while losing some of the uniqueness of the original qualities.  Again, sacrifice or loss is implied with this compromise.

The third definition of compromise is “a concession to something derogatory or prejudicial (‘a compromise of principles’).”  We might imagine someone with a certain set of values or principles – say, a young man who values women and gender equality – who works for a company with “unwritten policies” that he disagrees with – policies that discriminate against women.  He would compromise his principles if he went along with these policies instead of speaking out against them.

Other synonyms for the word “compromise” are:

Concession

Weaken

Fifty Fifty

Half Measure

Middle Ground

Sellout

Discredit

Give in

Jeopardize

Split the Difference

Give and Take

A love that can be compromised is a weakened form of love.  It would be a love that is mixed in with something opposite to it – like fear or hate.  A God whose love can be compromised is a God who will sometimes love and sometimes hate – a God who will split His love between two people so that neither get His full love – a God whose love can be jeopardized.

A compromising love, therefore, does not sound like a divine love.  It sounds very human to me.  And, that is often the problem.  We humans, with our limited capacities for love, make God in our own image.  We imagine Him as an angry God – a judging God – a fickle God.  Because of our own limitations, we limit the Divine.  However, what the Course teaches us over and over again is that our efforts to limit the Divine are fruitless.

In Reality God’s love cannot be compromised.  It is an uncompromising love.  One definition of “uncompromising” is, “Showing an unwillingness to make concessions to others, esp. by changing one’s ways or opinions.”  God is unwilling to make concessions to us.  He is unwilling to change His ways or to change His mind to suit our limited capacity for love. 

Some synonyms for “uncompromising” are:

Intransigent

Inflexible

Unbending

Adamant

Stubborn

Unyielding

These are great words to describe God’s love for us!  Use any of the above words in the following sentence and note how it makes you feel:

God’s Love for me is ________________.

God’s love for us is unbending.  He never changes His mind about us.  In the Course we read,

When anything threatens your peace of mind, ask yourself, "Has God changed His Mind about me?"  Then accept His decision, for it is indeed changeless, and refuse to change your mind about yourself.  God will never decide against you, or He would be deciding against Himself (T-10.in.3:9-11).

           

And,

Nothing can prevent what God would have accomplished from accomplishment.  Whatever your reactions to the Holy Spirit's Voice may be, whatever voice you choose to listen to, whatever strange thoughts may occur to you, God's Will is done.  You will find the peace in which He has established you, because He does not change His Mind.  He is invariable as the peace in which you dwell, and of which the Holy Spirit reminds you (T-13.XI.5:3-6).

In that last passage we find another synonym for uncompromising – “invariable.”  God is invariable.  The peace within which we dwell is invariable.  It is this peace that the Holy Spirit is constantly reminding us of – if we will only listen to His Voice instead of the voice of the ego. 

What God wills is done.  It is accomplished.  Nothing can stop it from happening, because it has already occurred.  We can be asleep to Reality, but we cannot alter Reality.  There is nothing – absolutely nothing – that we can to that will cause God to change His mind about us or that will cause God to kick us out of the heaven of his unyielding love.

And, since we are God’s creation and we are made in His image and likeness (not the other way around), any time that we limit our love we are denying what we are.  We are the ones who are trying to compromise love.  We are the ones who are deciding who is in and who is out.  We are the ones condemning others – and ourselves by extension – to hell. 

The good news of the Course is that, try as we might, we really can’t compromise God’s love.  We don’t have the power to determine who is in and who is out.  There is no hell to be condemned to.  We are either living in the Reality of God’s love or we are living in an illusion.

Therefore, if we are going to be true to our creation by God, we are going to have to practice unlimited, unbending, uncompromising love.  We are going to have to practice this love so much that it becomes second nature for us.  We will have to practice this love so much that it overrides our selfishness, our fears, and our limiting beliefs.  This is how we claim our inheritance as God’s children.  This is how we claim the love that is our birthright.     

According to the Course, God’s love is given to all of His creation equally.  He can’t give more love to one child than He gives to another.  If He did this, His love would be compromised.  Each child of God gets all of God’s love.  Any differences between one child of God and another is wholly of our own making – and is an illusion.  Since divine love is given equally to all, our love (as it is transformed from human love to divine love) is given equally to all, or it is not true love.     

Five Essentials of Transformative Psychotherapy

A few weeks ago I had someone ask me, “How can you see client after client and not be exhausted?  Don’t you feel drained after?”  My short answer to her was that I don’t.  As a matter of fact, I feel exhilarated and full of life after a good therapy session.  If I had more time to think about it, I probably would have told her that there are times, though, when I do feel exhausted and drained.  However, those are times when I was not at my best in the session. 

Later, as I thought more about this conversation, I had an epiphany regarding what makes for good therapy and what makes for true healing and transformation.  I quickly pulled out my phone and recorded what I consider the five essentials of transformative psychotherapy:

1.      The right mindset within the therapist
2.           The right skill-set
3.        The therapeutic relationship
4.      The client’s own resources
5.      God / Higher Power / Holy Spirit

I want to expand on each of these here.  This is my list.  Another therapist might have a different list.  My main inspirations for this list are my own years of experience, my studies in Rapid Resolution Therapy and A Course in Miracles, and counseling theory in general.

The Right Mindset

It is important that I be in the right mindset if I am going to be of help to my clients.  As a matter of fact, being in the wrong mindset will assure that the session will be of no benefit.  The wrong mindset will occur if I am distracted, tired, or mentally confused.  Also, the worst thing for me to do would be to see my client as flawed, unworthy, separate from me, or as defined by their presenting problems or diagnosis.

A Course in Miracles says that the one responsibility of the miracle-worker (the one the Holy Spirit works through to heal someone’s mind) is “to accept the Atonement for himself.”  This means that the miracle-worker or therapist will have to know (even if briefly) who she truly is as God’s creation and have a healed mind before she can be of help to others.  This knowing might be fleeting for the therapist.  It might come and go.  The point is to come from this healed, whole, holy mind as much as possible as we work with our clients.  Another term used for this mindset in the Course is “right-mindedness.” 

I often will use a prayer from the Course to help me get into this mindset before a session:

“I am here only to be truly helpful.  I am here to represent Him Who sent me.  I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because He Who sent me will direct me.  I am content to be wherever He wishes, knowing He goes there with me.  I will be healed as I let Him teach me to heal.”

In Rapid Resolution Therapy and in A Course in Miracles we learn the importance of having a clear goal for our client at the outset.  This is a vision of the client with their mind restored and healed – where they are operating at the highest level their mind would intend for themselves.  This is another important part of the right mindset that is needed for true healing and transformation to occur.

Finally, Carl Rogers also spoke about three qualities that are needed in the therapist for good results in therapy (sometimes called the core conditions): 1) unconditional positive regard, 2) empathic understanding, and 3) congruence / genuineness / authenticity.  These are core conditions that all therapists will want to work at cultivating within themselves – no matter their theoretical orientation.  They are the building blocks of the right mindset.

The Right Skill-set 

The skills of the therapist must be honed and practiced.  It is a rare thing that a person has such skills without extensive training, modeling, feedback, and practice, practice, practice.  However, such skills are rarely taught in graduate school and are even hard to come by in workshops for clinicians.  It is my experience that therapists have to be proactive in making sure they get the training they need to be effective at their craft.

Anyone can be a “rent-a-friend” (a phrase Dr. Jon Connelly likes to use).  This is a therapist who simply allows their clients to vent about their problems and offers some support and occasional words of wisdom.  The client might leave the office feeling better (let’s face it, venting with a friend does help us feel a little better).  However, they have not learned what they need to do to actually get and stay better.  The therapist has not set the session up in a way that true healing and transformation can occur.  In other words, the therapist either doesn’t have or is not using the right skill-set.

In my opinion an effective therapist is going to have a combination of 1) relationship / interpersonal skills, 2) non-defensive communication skills, 3) rational / cognitive skills, 4) mindfulness/contemplative skills, and 5) hypnotherapy skills.  The needs of the client at the time of the session will determine which skills are called upon.  The most transformative therapy sessions will utilize all skills in a seamless flow.  A therapist also needs to be a great communicator and teacher.  They also need to be a model for the client – demonstrating what they are teaching. 

I have had training in or have studied extensively the following therapies and techniques to acquire the above listed skills.  I recommend all therapists seek out similar training for themselves – no matter the cost.  As a social worker, I have an ethical obligation to make sure that I am competent and trained well in the interventions I use with clients.

Imago Relationship Therapy and the Imago Dialogue

Interpersonal Process Psychotherapy

Rogerian / Person-Centered Therapy

Motivational Interviewing

Nonviolent Communication / Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

Rational Living Therapy and Rational Hypnotherapy

The Work of Byron Katie

Mindfulness-Based therapies like DBT, ACT and others

Mindfulness Meditation

Centering Prayer

A Course in Miracles, Buddhist psychology, Yoga, Christian Mysticism and Theology, and other diverse spiritual / religious paths

Integrative Restoration (iRest) Yoga Nidra

Rapid Resolution Therapy

Memory Reconsolidation

The Therapeutic Relationship

There has been much research on the importance of the therapeutic relationship and how it is the relationship itself that is one of the biggest factors when it comes to therapeutic results.  This relationship has been described in various ways.  One of the best descriptions comes from Carl Rogers and has already been described above under the right mindset.

This relationship is very different from the ones that the client is used to.  They might come to therapy with a history of unstable, abusive, unhealthy relationships.  The therapist’s job is to remain present, maintain the right mindset, and to give the client a very different experience from all other relationships in their life.  It is this new experience that has the potential to heal the client.  I actually like to describe therapy as “a relationship that heals.”

Dr. Jon Connelly (developer of Rapid Resolution Therapy) teaches that many things have happened to our clients before they come to see us – sometimes very bad things.  Our job as therapists is to “happen to them” in such a way that healing occurs.

A Course in Miracles would call this relationship a “holy relationship” or “holy encounter.”  A holy relationship is one where both members of the relationship give up their separate interests and join together with a common goal.  This joining then allows the Holy Spirit to enter into the relationship and use it for healing.

In Rapid Resolution Therapy we also come up with a shared goal with the client (that the therapist leads them to with feedback and input from the client).  Having this shared goal means that the client’s and therapist’s energies are now joined, and this energy can’t help but to expand.  This energy is also power and fuel to bring about the shift from how things have been for the client to how things are now intended.  This therapeutic relationship (this healing / holy relationship) with a shared goal sets the process of change and transformation in motion and keeps it going in that direction even after the session is over (For more about this see my last entry on “Goal-Powered Synergy”).

The Client’s Own Resources

The client has within them what is needed for true healing and transformation.  There is nothing uniquely special about the therapist.  The only difference is that the therapist is temporarily more aware of the truth of themselves and of the client.  The therapist knows that the client has resources that have been unused and knows how to guide the client to find and use them. 

There are times when true healing and transformation happen without any interventions by the therapist.  Oftentimes change comes about from factors outside of the therapy setting – from resources that the client has and brings to the table.  These can be inner or outer resources.  Examples of inner resources are: insight, faith, awareness, talents, skills, past coping mechanisms that were forgotten, etc.  Examples of outer resources are: family support, getting a new job and increased income, “chance” encounters with someone who says just the right thing at just the right time, spiritual support systems, etc.

Another important part of the client’s own resources has to do with what the client does between sessions.  I always tell new clients that one of the main factors in them getting better is what they do between sessions.  Sometimes they are given homework assignments.  Sometimes I ask them to practice certain techniques.  Those who actually follow-through with such instructions are the ones who usually progress much faster.  I always tell my clients that it is essential they do their part.  

God / Higher Power / Holy Spirit

In my opinion true healing and transformation comes from a power much greater than anything of our own making.  The above factors – when combined – can act as a channel for the Divine to do its work.  The therapist, the interventions, the relationship, and the client are all used by the Divine to bring about true change. 

Not all therapists have a spiritual orientation.  And, the therapy sessions themselves do not have to be overtly spiritual for them to have a spiritual component.  It is not necessary that the therapist has a spiritual belief system or that the sessions have a spiritual component to them.  The Divine can still operate through us without us even being aware of it.

Other terms or phrases that can be substituted for the Divine are: grace, mystery, love, synchronicity, power greater than ourselves, energy, creative power, spirit, the universe, etc.  We are all spiritual beings having human experiences whether we realize it or not.  Those of us who are spiritually oriented can be very intentional in “opening the space” for God to work through us.  We can also ask about the client’s own spiritual orientation and encourage those who have one to utilize the practices of their path.

Conclusion

For me, when the above five factors are in place, my job as a therapist is very fulfilling, very effective, and very energizing.  I do not feel tired at the end of the day.  I actually feel “in-spired” – filled with spirit.  There is no doubt that, for me, being a therapist is my calling – my vocation – or, as A Course in Miracles would say, my “special function.”    

I am curious to hear what others think about these five essentials for transformative psychotherapy.  Are there others that you would add?  Do you have a different take on the five I listed? Maybe your list would be totally different from mine.  I look forward to hearing from you.