In my last blog we looked at the romantic idea that another
person can complete us. This idea is
based on a sense of lack – that somehow we are not whole on our own and need
another person to complete us. We then
contemplated a quote from Byron Katie where she tells us, “There is only one
way I can use you to complete me. That
is if I judge you, inquire, and turn it around.” In that blog I described her method of
self-inquiry known as The Work (www.thework.com)
-- one way that we can use our judgments of other people to find the
“completeness” that is already ours.
I now want to explore this same idea from the point of view
of A Course in Miracles. To
begin, I would like to offer a modification of Katie’s quote:
“There is only one way
I can use you to complete me. That is if
I forgive you and discover the completeness that is inherent in our shared identity.”
More than any other spiritual path that I am aware of, the
Course uses forgiveness as the primary means of awakening / liberation /
salvation. However, the way the Course
defines forgiveness is different from the usual way it is presented. The usual view of forgiveness is as follows:
Someone has harmed me
in some way. I decide to be the better
person and rise above my feelings of anger, resentment, and hurt. I forgive the person for what they did to me
while never forgetting what they did.
This way of understanding forgiveness is not what the Course
means at all. In this usual view of
forgiveness, our perception of the other person doesn’t really change. We still see them as the “bad guy” in the
situation and we see ourselves as the “victim.”
Somehow we are supposed to maintain this perception while still letting
go of our hurt feelings.
One way that we do this is to say, “It is not my place to
judge. That is up to God. I let go of my judgment and turn them over to
God.” Even with this form of
forgiveness, we still maintain our perception of them and of ourselves. Nothing has really changed. We still believe that they were wrong. Only now they will have to answer to God.
After studying and practicing the ideas of A Course in
Miracles, I now see this form of forgiveness as nothing more than
unforgiveness. I define unforgiveness
as, “1) the distortion of the truth of
ourselves and others and 2) the resulting misperception that leads to our sense
of separation.” Unforgiveness is
rooted in false perception. This false
perception leads to thinking that we are separate from one another.
In contrast to unforgiveness, I define forgiveness as, “1) the relinquishment of our false
perception and 2) the recognition of our shared holiness.” Course-based forgiveness is rooted in true
perception. This true perception leads
to the experience of oneness with the apparent “other.” We re-cognize (“to think again”) the other as
none other than a fellow “Son of God” (Note:
The Course uses masculine language in an inclusive rather than exclusive
way – everyone [male or female] is my brother and a Son of God.). In this recognition we find our shared
holiness.
So, let’s look at these two ways of relating to another
person (unforgiveness and forgiveness) by revisiting my modification of Katie’s
quote:
“There is only one way
I can use you to complete me. That is if
I forgive you and discover the completeness that is inherent in our shared identity.”
The way of unforgiveness is captured in the statement:
“There is only one way I can use you to feel incomplete. That is if I perceive you falsely and
continue to experience the separation that results.” Here is what that might look like…
Because we live in a world of space and time – a world of
separate bodies – a world of past, present and future – the common experience I
have is one of separation and victimization.
When another person behaves badly towards me, I feel hurt, anger, fear,
sadness, or any number of negative emotions.
It is obvious to me that their behavior is the cause of my
emotions. The only way that I will feel
better is if they stop their poor behavior and treat me better. And, if their behavior doesn’t change, I will
remain in my painful emotional state. In
short, they are the cause; I am the effect.
This keeps me forever in the victim position in relation to them. This keeps them in the “bad guy” position in
relation to me. The resulting experience
is more separation. We are both entrenched
in our respective identities and positions – never to find true resolution or
peace.
The way of forgiveness is captured in the statement: “There
is only one way I can use you to complete me.
That is if I forgive you and discover the completeness that is inherent
in our shared identity.” Here is how
that might look like…
When I am looking out through the body’s eyes, it appears that we live in a world of space
and time – a world of separate bodies – a world of past, present and future – and,
the common experience I have is one of separation and victimization. However, I am not this body. I am spirit – created by God and one with Him
and every other spirit. When another
person behaves badly towards me, I will feel hurt, anger, fear, sadness, or any
number of negative emotions as long as I forget my true identity. It is this forgetfulness that is the cause of
my painful emotions. The only way that I
will feel better is if I remember my true identity. The way I do this is to forgive them – too realize that they are not
defined by their bad behavior – to remember that they too are spirit, created
holy and perfect by a holy and perfect Creator.
Since we are one, perceiving them in this way allows me to see myself
the same way. If their behavior doesn’t
change, my job is still to remember who they are and who I am. In short, God is the ultimate cause; we are
the effect. This realization keeps us
both forever in the reality of our shared identity as holy, loving, perfect
creations. The resulting experience is Oneness. We are both lifted up into the experience of
heaven – the placeless place of true resolution and peace.
Now, I realize that many of my readers might find this
description of forgiveness a hard one to embrace. There is no way that I could fully embrace it
myself were it not for my study and practice of A Course in Miracles. The Course is not easy at first. It is asking for a total reversal of our
normal way of thinking. It is leading us
to a totally different way of relating.
However, the more we study and practice the teachings of the Course, the
easier it becomes and the more natural its way of thinking and relating
becomes.
The Course is a path.
It is guiding us on a way that each of us must travel. Fortunately, we are not traveling this way
alone. As a matter of fact, if we are
attempting to travel it alone, we are not really traveling the path it is
setting for us. The means that it offers
us to find salvation is forgiveness. We are
told that we enter the ark of peace “two by two.” It is through our relationships – healed by
forgiveness – that we enter peace. We
can’t go alone.
So, the way of forgiveness outlined by the Course is how I
can use you to complete me. Forgiveness
allows me to see you truly – as God’s creation.
You are not defined by your behavior or by me. You are defined by Him. And, when I see you truly, I see myself. I now know who I am as God created me. I know that I am not defined by my past
behavior or by you. I am defined by God.
I invite you to end with the prayer in Lesson 351 of the Course:
“Who is my brother but Your holy Son? And if I see him sinful I proclaim myself a
sinner, not a Son of God; alone and friendless in a fearful world. Yet this perception is a choice I make, and
can relinquish. I can also see my
brother sinless, as Your holy Son. And
with this choice I see my sinlessness, my everlasting Comforter and Friend
beside me, and my way secure and clear” (W-351.1-5).
Amen!
(To learn more about A Course in Miracles, I highly recommend the site www.circleofa.org)
