Most of us are familiar by now with the famous line from the
movie “Jerry Maguire.” No, not, “Show me
the money!!” I am talking about the
romantic line, “You complete me.” This
was one of those moments in the movie where everyone goes, “Awwww,” and we
think it is one of the sweetest things we have ever heard.
However, if you think about it what most people mean when
they use this term is that, by themselves, they are lacking in some way. They are not complete. But, somehow the other person fills those
lacks. Therefore, when they are together
they become complete. This romantic
ideal, therefore, begins from a place of inner lack.
But, do two incomplete people make a whole? Does starting off a relationship from a state
of inner lack lead to a healthy joining?
And, is there one person out there who will fill your lacks “just right”
– like a missing puzzle piece?
Lately I have been listening to some books on tape by Byron
Katie (everyone calls her “Katie”).
Katie is the developer of a method of questioning stressful or
judgmental thoughts known as “The Work” (www.thework.com). During this most recent listening I heard
something that I had never really heard before.
She said, “There is only one way I can use you to complete me. That is if I judge you, inquire, and turn it
around.”
What does she mean by this?
First of all, she is telling us that all of the other ways that we use
someone to complete us do not work.
Sexual intimacy will not make me complete. Joining with another in a romantic
relationship that is based on my sense of inner lack (what A Course in
Miracles calls “special relationships”) will not make me complete. Basically, any relationship that is modeled
after your typical romantic movie will fall short of giving us the completion
that we crave.
The only way that I can use another person to complete me is
to question my judgments of them and to find in myself what I thought only they
could provide for me (this is what Katie means when she says “turn it around”). Let’s look at an example. Consider the following thoughts: “I need him
to pay more attention to me. He is always
so preoccupied. He doesn’t value me like
he used to.” When I hear statements such
as these I can’t help but notice how the speaker is operating from a place of
deficiency and is looking to their partner to give them something. “I am not okay here. I need you to make me okay.”
What Katie says we do after we have identified our judgments
of someone is to “inquire.” In other
words, we ask ourselves the four questions of The Work:
1) Is
it true?
Is it true that you need him to
pay more attention to you? Find the
person in your own life who you think doesn’t pay enough attention to you. Is it true that you need them to pay more
attention? With this first question you
are asked to answer with just a “yes” or a “no.” There is no right or wrong answer. Just take your time, go within, and find your
honest answer.
2) Can
you absolutely know that it’s true?
If your answer to question #1 is “yes,” then answer question #2. Can you absolutely know that it is true that
you need him to pay more attention to you?
Can you absolutely know that this is what you need? Again, allow a simple “yes” or “no” to be
your answer. Please don’t answer it how
you think you “should.”
3) How
do you react, what happens, when you believe the thought?
When you believe the thought “I need him to pay more attention to me,”
how do you react? What happens? What emotions do you feel when you believe you
need his attention, and he doesn’t appear to be paying attention to you? How do you treat him? How do you treat yourself? What images do you see in your mind? Does this thought bring peace or stress into
your life?
4) Who
or what would you be without the thought?
Now,
without changing anything about the other person or the situation, who or what
would you be without the thought, “I need him to pay more attention to me”? What would happen if you no longer thought
this way? How would you feel when you see
him doing his own thing and not paying attention to you if you no longer
thought that you needed more of his attention?
How would you treat him differently without this thought? How would you treat yourself
differently? Without the thought do you
have more peace or stress?
After we have questioned the thought, Katie has us to turn
the thought around. We then find at
least three examples of how each turnaround is true for us. Here are the turnarounds for “I need him to
pay more attention to me. He is always
so preoccupied. He doesn’t value me like
he used to.”:
1) “I
don’t need him to pay more attention to me.
He is not always so preoccupied.
He does value me like he used to.”
2) “I
need me to pay more attention to him. I
am always so preoccupied. I don’t value
him like I used to.”
3) “I
need me to pay more attention to myself.
I am always so preoccupied. I
don’t value myself like I used to.”
As we find our examples for the above turnarounds, we start
to see how we can provide the very attention we thought we needed from
him. We start to realize that we were
the ones we had been waiting for all along.
Now we can see how hopelessly romantic the line “You
complete me” is – emphasis on “hopeless.”
Now, we can turn that statement around and find where our true hope lies
– “I complete me.” I complete me when I
judge you, question my judgments, and turn it around. I find within me what I was looking for in you.
Then, from this new-found place of completion, I can enter
into a relationship as a whole person. I
can join with the other from a sense of abundance. Our joining then becomes a sharing in this
abundance. As I live my turnarounds, I take
responsibility for myself and let others off the hook. Then all of my relationships become holy.
